i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When are your genitals available?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize