he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
