he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize