I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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