it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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