hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
