Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
