I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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