cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
