Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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