At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
