Pappa wants mamma naked
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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