90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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