Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
