Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
