we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
