I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
