babies were throwing up all over the place
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
