I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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