I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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