I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can text with my tongue
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
