WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
