She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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