Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
