I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
