don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize