I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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