We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
