You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
