It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
