3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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