She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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