i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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