This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
