my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
