i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Randomize
