cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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