we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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