you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
