Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
