Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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