There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
