I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
