he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The uberlube is also flammable
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
