I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
