I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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