whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
