Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize