Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
