While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
