it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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