i just wanna soil my oats bro
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
