You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
