I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
