I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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