i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
