Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
