i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
