omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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