"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
