You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
