I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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