We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
