I seem to have left my pride at pride
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
