I hate your face
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
do nipples grow back?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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