I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
