Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
